Wasting my Young Years (It doesn't matter)
by Sophie6
Summary: "At age 15, Felicity discovers that it is possible to feel both unconditional love and deep hatred for her mother."


**This isn't my usual stuff and it is actually out of my comfort zone (angst is not really my forte) but it demanded to be written, so…**

**Triggered by the Felicity line about her mom in 2X13, fueled by Quisinart4 lovely fanfic 'strong hand cradle broken pasts' and mostly inspired by personal experience.**

**Reviews are greatly appreciated.**

* * *

It is a quiet evening in the foundry when Felicity gets the phone call.

Oliver and Diggle are sparring, so they don't notice her usual quietness at first until it becomes glaringly obvious that something isn't right.

"Hey, are you ok? Who called you?"

"My uncle. My mom just died."

Oliver and John are speechless for a minute, because she announced it like she was just going to do some grocery shopping. Then they both react at the same time.

"What? What happened?"

"Felicity, I'm so sorry…"

She raises her hand to stop them, tempering her gesture with a smile.

"I'm ok, guys. I need a few days to go back home and make some arrangements," she tells Oliver, and he really doesn't like how unaffected she looks and sounds. He knows his girl too well by now, even if he still doesn't know a lot about her family. But she always respected his secrets, and he did the same with hers.

He put on his shirt. "Of course. And I'm coming with you."

"Oliver, no, it's not really…"

He put his hand on her shoulder, giving her his best 'don't argue with me' look.

"I'm coming with you."

She nods, because it's evident that he won't change his mind and she knows better than to fight him over this.

To be honest, she's a bit relieved.

* * *

_At age 15, Felicity discovers that it is possible to feel both unconditional love and deep hatred for her mother._

_For the past 12 years, it's been just her and her mom. It's been tough since her dad left, but her mom worked her ass off to get clothes on their back and food on the table, so Felicity did the best she could too – being good at school and bringing back A's as much as possible. Which is not that hard, actually. Her teachers are always gushing at how smart she is. Computer science is her favorite subject, and she's not even 12 when she decides that it will be MIT or nothing._

_So her life is good, until one day, it isn't anymore._

_She doesn't really know why her mother started drinking. She had gone through a bad break up a few weeks before but that was not the first time, and it wouldn't be the last. Her mom needed a male presence in her life most of the time. Felicity wouldn't understand until much later that her mom had been depressed for a long time, and that break up had just been the final trigger that made her crack._

_And suddenly there's not a day of the week that Felicity comes home after school and her mother isn't drunk._

_She has no idea how to deal with it. She's supposed to have fun and worry solely about school and boys. Not getting scared of coming home and find out that her mom has broken her neck because she fell down the stairs after one drink too many._

_She doesn't drink all the time. She doesn't do it at work – fortunately- as she works at a nearby supermarket and starts early in the morning. And she doesn't drink during the weekend when Felicity is there. Which means Felicity stays home then, since it's the only times she sees her mom sober._

* * *

She walks into her old house, Oliver right behind her, his hand always hovering near her back or shoulders.

She hasn't been here in a few months, and the last time hasn't exactly been joyful. She had for the umpteenth time try to talk her mom into getting some professional help, which she had, as usual, refused. Felicity had even suggested that she came to live with her in Starling – just to be told a resounding no.

After all these years, her mom still lived in denial of her sickness, and Felicity had learned that it was useless to force her to do something about it. But she had to at least try. A part of her always hoped that this would be the visit, or the phone call that would finally trigger her mom into getting help.

It never happened. And now it was too late. Her uncle told her that her heart just failed.

She stands in the middle of the living room but she feels empty. She supposes it is a defense mechanism, and she doesn't fight it. Her eyes fall on a faded red stain on the carpet. Her own blood. She doesn't have time to delve too deeply into her memories as she feels Oliver's arm wrapping around her shoulders. He presses a kiss to her temple.

"You alright?" he asks softly and she nods, letting him embrace her.

Things are still a bit unclear between them, but he's here, giving her his friendship, his comfort and his strength.

She could do this alone. She's done it for years.

But this time, she's glad she doesn't have to.

* * *

_Thankfully, her mom is never physically abusive._

_Unfortunately, the verbal abuse is sometimes as painful – if not more. Even if Felicity knows that it is the alcohol talking, it doesn't hurt any less._

"_I don't have a problem, leave me alone!" "You are a stupid girl, you know nothing about life and how hard it is," "I know you want to get rid of me, your life will be much easier without me. That's how you feel, don't deny it."_

_And Felicity cries, because as much as she wants to deny it, her young life has become such a living nightmare that yes, sometimes, for a fleeting minute, she wants her mom to be gone. And she feels horrible for feeling that way._

_After the harsh words come generally the sobbing, and the begging for forgiveness, and empty promises of 'It'll never happen again'. Felicity knows better but of course she forgives. It's her mom, and she loves her, what else can she do?_

* * *

When she wakes up the next morning, Oliver's arm is around her waist and he looks peaceful in his sleep. Her old bedroom is filled with boxes and stuff and she only had a single bed. So after a long day of funeral arrangements, they just both fell on the only big bed available. At some point during the night she starts crying a little and he just holds her, murmuring sweet nothings to calm her down. She knows he's relieved that she finally shows some emotions. She has buried her feelings so deep for so long that she has almost forgotten they actually were there still, and coming back to that house is probably the catalyst. For years she had walked through that front door with fear clutching at her stomach, wondering how far gone her mom would be that day, or if she would be conscious, or even alive.

Now that her mom is gone, she feels like she can safely let those feelings come back to the surface. She can let them engulf her one last time and fall apart for a little while.

And when she does, Oliver is there to catch her.

* * *

_She comes back from school one afternoon but her mom apparently left the key in the lock because she can't go in. She knocks on the door. There's no answer._

_She starts worrying (it has become kind of a second nature when her mom is not in her direct line of sight) and walks around the house, hoping for an opened window. There is none. What she sees, however, is her mom lying in the middle of the living room, unconscious._

_She bangs on the window, tries to open it and fails. She takes her phone, calling 911, frantically looking for something to break the glass. The house next door is undergoing some renovations so there are a few bricks lying around. Felicity grabs one and throws it at the window, effectively breaking it. She cuts her arm when she climbs through but she doesn't care, she doesn't even feel the pain, she is just full of panic and terror and she runs to her mom, shaking her, trying to wake her up, to no avail._

"_Why are you doing this to us, mom?" she cries, just as the paramedics arrive._

_Her mom is alive. It is an alcoholic coma. _

_One of the medics grabs her gently by the shoulder, making Felicity sit so he can take care of her arm. It is badly cut and requires stitching. Through her tears, Felicity notices that there's now a big red stain on the carpet._

_That incident – and the stitches on her daughter's arm- act as a wake up call and her mom stops drinking._

_For a while._

_Then her uncle, who was in the military, comes to live nearby. Felicity is able to leave to MIT, knowing her mom won't be completely alone. She feels guilty, but for her own sanity she needs to leave._

_She hopes that her uncle will maybe succeed in doing what she has failed to do all these years._

_He doesn't._

* * *

The day of the funeral, Felicity doesn't cry.

As she looks at the casket being slowly lowered into the ground, she feels serene.

She's not exactly a religious person, and she doesn't know where her mother is right now. But one thing she's sure of: she's at peace.

And for the first time in almost ten years, Felicity is, too.

The priest finishes his sermon and she grabs a handful of dirt to throw in the open grave. Oliver does the same before coming back to her, putting his arm around her, watching her with a tender and protective look on his face.

She slips her arm around his waist, turns to face him and the ghost of a smile forms on her lips.

"Let's go home."


End file.
